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Thursday, January 8, 2015

The Meaning Behind The Name...........Again

I've decided to get back into this whole blogging thing again. I used to really enjoy writing, but have somehow let life get in the way. So here I am. Again. 5 years after I started this blog and never really fully committed and now I am taking another stab at it; Ya know.... New Year New Me crap. I am not going to make blogging my resolution for the new year, instead use writing as my outlet because God knows I need it.

So so much has happened in the past 5 years, I just do not know where to begin, so I will start with my very first post that I wrote what seems like a forever ago.................


Anywho..... so after much debate (with myself) this is what I came up with.  I wanted something meaningful about my life. Something that sums up who I am. My great life's lesson.  THIS is what I came up with. Never Stand Downwind From a Bum.  A lesson I learned many years ago on my first trip to San Francisco waiting to catch the trolley back to the BART.

My blog name kind of sums it all up.  Don't do it. It stinks. It's unpleasant and for the rest of your life you will never forget it.   Your best bet is to hold your breath and wait for the winds to change before you pass out.  It is kind of like my life.  Most of the time it's like standing downwind from a bum.  It can really stink.  But sometimes, the wind changes its direction and I can finally breathe.

I hope you get as much enjoyment as I continue my blog writings, as I do self therapy. I am also hoping to save THOUSANDS of  dollars from going to a therapist just to be told what I already know: Life just stinks sometimes.  Hold your breathe and wait. The smell will dissipate eventually.

R. Hilltop

Friday, January 3, 2014

Time heals all wounds....Well sort of

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since I have posted anything. A year. So many things can change in such a short amount of time. Fast forward to today: I did survive nursing school and graduated, nothing short of a miracle considering. I met, fell in love with, and married the most amazing man I have ever met. Yes, that's right people: MARRIED. Life seems to be going in the direction that I had always envisioned, but not without its challenges. There are far too many events that have occured over the last year to write in one post and there are just some things I am not ready to write about; but all I have is time now and maybe I will be able to bare those crosses soon enough. All I CAN say is the man that violated my child was not convicted and now walks a free man. But, like, I said, I am just not ready to go there. Soon though. Soon. I truly am in a good place in my life right now, but not without it's struggles and challenges. Time can be such a medicinal thing. Far better than any other drug a doctor can prescribe. The only kicker is that the side effects are a son of a bitch. Time does not provide any anesthesia. It does not dull the pain while in the moment. You feel ever cut, every ache, every agonizing moment. Luckily, every day that passes dulls the pain ever so slightly. You are able to acheive more of a peripheral view when all you started with was tunnel vision. Before you know it, a year has passed and you can look back on where you started and realize that your wounds are no longer gaping and bleeding. Time has scabbed over the hurt and the pain isn't near as intense and for the first time you realize; I am going to be ok. Sure, I will always have scars and maybe the occasional ache and pain from these healing wounds. I think that is ok. It is just a gentle reminder that I am still alive. I am still breathing and I didn't cop out and end it all, because, believe you me, the thought crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I AM going to be ok. Life really does go on, with or without me. It is up to me if I will choose to be an active participant or not.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Time Flies......Shit Happens....

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's been FOREVER, but I've had a lot going on, mkay? So my therapist won't see me anymore (don't worry, I'll talk about that later), and since I still feel like a nut case, I thought I should get back into this blogging thing so I won't lose my fucking mind. So many crazy things have happened in the last 4 years, that I really do not know where to begin. Since I plan on exposing my soul soon enough in this blog within the near future, I figured I would give you the bullet points for now...... -Got a great job offer that would bring me back home and closer to family. -met up with an old boyfriend and moved in with him right away in a whirlwind romance. -job tanked because it sucked royally so decided to quit sucky job and go back to school. -got into s huge fight with my entire family that I moved home to be closer to and quite talking to them. It's been 4 years since I've had a healthy relationship with them. -prince charming ended up being KING ASSHOLE and I found myself stuck in. Miserable relationship where I was emotionally and verbally abused. Of course I had no one to call on for help because my family isn't talking to me, just about me. -sucked it up and tried to make the best of the situation focusing on my schooling and my children. -7 months ago found out KING ASSHOLE was also a pedophile and had been raping my daughter since she was 14. All of this was discovered the day before Mother's Day. - instantly became homeless, with no money, no family, no job, notta. Zip. Zero. Zilch. -my children and I have been living with my best friend so that I can finish school. I'm pretty sure she is ready to get rid of us by now. -4 more months and will graduate college and be able to support my family (if I survive). -The trial for King Asshole begins in January, although I am sure it is going to get postponed a million times before we see justice. If the judicial system does not fail us, the son of a bitch will spend the next 30 years in prison. -I have been to the darkest of darkest places because of this. I would be lying if I said I haven't considered giving up and taking my own life. - one tiny step at a time I am rebuilding a life for my children and me. - I now work every weekend at the hospital and have been offered a job as an RN upon graduating. - my daughter and I got into a huge fight because I am having a shitty time dealing with all the emotions of hurt, anger, sadness, and most of all guilt. I made her go live with her father before we hit rock bottom which ended up blowing up in my face and she now hates me because she thinks I kicked her out. - my shitty family has pounced on the opportunity to get in good with my daughter because of this without giving two shits about me or my feelings. -I am slowly trying to teach myself forgiveness, humility, hope, and faith. This is going to be a long journey........

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


It was brought to my attention by my sweet friend that I am "blog slacking"!  Oh how I love that girl!!

Sorry peeps!! I will try to be better at posting!  Life has been crazy as of late.  It couldn't have anything to do with the 17 credit hours and Nursing School admittance preparations, could it?

Got much to talk about, however, and need to commit to writing it down.  After 30 years, I met my biological family.  I am still sorting through a bunch of those emotions, but can't wait to share with all of you.

Blog ya soon!!!!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Teen Mom.....

As much as I am conflicted about this show, I admit that I am addicted.  Being a teen mom myself, I can relate to these children and it really hits home for me.  My hope though is that this show is sending the proper message to young girls about taking control of their lives and preventing becoming a mother so early.  My fear is that the more popular this show becomes, the more "glamorized" teen pregnancy will become.

While on the treadmill the other day, I was watching one of my DVR'd (is that really a word?) shows "16 and Pregnant".  It was actually an after show special where they sit down with Dr. Drew and discuss the season.

One of the girls, Markai, had fallen pregnant again just months after giving birth to her first child at 17.  I am not sure what is more disturbing about this girl; the fact that she didn't learn her lesson the first time or her boyfriend/baby daddy has got some MAJOR race identity issues.  Seriously dude, if you have to have subtitles under everything you say, you may want to take a dictation class or something.  The saying "Love is Blind" should be followed up by "And Deaf" to be able to listen the verbal diarrhea that comes out of his mouth. But I digress......

Back to Markai...... surprise, surprise she got knocked up again so she decided to have an abortion.  Now, I am NOT trying to get into a political or religious debate of whether or not this kid was right or wrong.  I could personally never make that decision for myself and unborn child for a number of different reasons.

The one thing that pissed me off to no end was that Dr. Drew had on 2 other teens that did opt for abortion and one of the girls said: "It was a parenting decision." W...T...F...?????? A parenting decision?  I thought how you choose to discipline your child, where they will go to school, what television shows you will or will not allow them to watch was a "parenting decision".  What the hell would they know about making a parenting decision-they have never been parents!!!!! It sure as shit was NOT a parenting decision; it was a birth control decision and you decided NOT to take it and get knocked up.  I never knew in a million years that killing a child could be classified as a "parenting decision".

The next time I feel like I need to choke my kids out for misbehaving, I should tell them "It's ok if I kill you because I am just making a parenting decision".

"parenting choice"

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Fo Rizell Maury??

Since I am a full-time college student, I try to keep my intellect in check and dumb it down each day with a nice helping of The Maury Show.  It never ceases to amaze me all the different breeds of humans that choose to look like a dumb ass on national television.  Not only can I get my daily dose of white-trash or hood rat, it also reaffirms my beliefs that the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the trailer park.

I am also convinced that Maury (which is pronounce "more-eee" to most but to most of his guests it is "mur-eee") may actually recruit his guest to come up with names for his segments. Some of my favorite show titles are:

DNA Results: I'm 100% Sure That He's The Father
It's a classic Maury show title and what he is famous for...... and because it's normal to have 13 guys in the lineup to your baby daddy, right?

Cheating: I Found A Naked Girl In Our Closet.  Are You Cheating?
Oh the mysteries of life......  and of course that is not proof enough.  Nothing says "I cheated" like a failed polygraph test.  I don't know what's more ignorant; the fact that you needed to go on national TV to prove his cheating ways OR the fact that you referred to finding a naked girl in your closet "the most terrible-ist thing in my life".

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Run Forrest, Run

Some of you have been asking about my newest "Distance Widget" on my Blog page.  Basically I STOLE the idea from a fellow Blogger friend of mine that keeps bragging <wink wink> how her ass is magically disappearing because she has become a runner.

So, I have decided to try this "running" concept that people keep talking about.  This concept is very foreign to me because I have NEVER been a cardio person.  Ever.  Like a dumbass,  for the past 15+ years instead of hitting the gym or putting on a pair of running shoes, I opted for lighting up a ciggy instead. Brilliant, I know.

Now that I have been 21+ weeks SMOKE FREE, I decided I am ready to step up my health to another level.  Ironically, I have gained the most weight in the last 21 weeks.  Coincidence? I think not.  Or, it may be one of my MANY excuses of why I've gained weight (that's for another blog, another day).

As for the Distance Widget, I figured this was my best bet to accountability.  I am not up to running yet, but mimicking those serious "Mall Walkers" that everyone makes fun of.  In about a week or so I will start adding in some running and keep increasing as I go.

Keep an eye on the Widget people and keep me accountable!!!!!